I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
My dick has a subreddit
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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