The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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