I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
