Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
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