Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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