you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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