Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
