I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
