There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
