i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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