Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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