Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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