i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Randomize
