God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
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