Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
Randomize
