Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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