last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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