actually, I'm a sock model
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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