Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
