got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
