my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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