I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
