so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
Randomize
