You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Randomize
