I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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