just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
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