Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
