If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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