Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
