I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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