Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
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