so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
