Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
