I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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