I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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