and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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