Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
You left your phone here
Wait...
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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