I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
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