Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
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