fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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