Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I love you.
Bad choice
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
