He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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