Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
