it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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