giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
