last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
