i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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