He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize
