if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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