Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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