DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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