Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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