Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
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