I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
