It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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